hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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