just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
