and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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