I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if only i could text you this smell
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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