I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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