If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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