My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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