Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
