wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
