Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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