I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You have to summon your inner elephant
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
