Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just want to make out with him forever
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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