seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
