He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
