nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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