Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
