i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
