Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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