I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
