I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
