dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
