you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
