you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
