yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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