he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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