GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
