he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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