My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
