I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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