Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
