Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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