i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
