Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
