your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
