I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
