Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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