Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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