i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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