I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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