FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
