We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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