He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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