She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
