she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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