well I can't set my house on fire every night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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