Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
