did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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