My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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