I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
