My Higher Power is John Stamos
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
