So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
